Living in a Post 8/5 America: The Day Nicki Minaj and Her Left Nipple Betrayed Us All

What are we going to do now? Nicki Minaj's left nipple has been exposed on public television. How can we, as Americans, possibly move forward from this? Somebody must apologize for this scandalous demonstration of state-of-the-art plastic surgery to the American public.

ABC says in a statement: “We are sorry that this occurred.”

Damn right, you're sorry. How am I going to erase the image of this woman's nipple from my memory? How are babies that saw this nipple going to recover from the trauma of thinking that were about to be fed, only to remain tragically malnourished? How are we supposed to explain to our children that you need bags of saline to make a titty look that hard and perky? What about all the 11-year-old boys that were playing hookie from school that day, only to see their first fake titty? These are the pressing questions that we must now answer, unfortunately, in this post 8/5 America.

God forbid someone sees the nipple on that synthetic titty!

Luckily, we have the Parents Television Council to save the day. Refer to this timely and necessary statement from the organization, "For the umpteenth time in recent memory a morning news show has included inappropriate content for children and families. Instead of asking for forgiveness, they need to stop apologizing and implement the five second delay that so many Americans have been calling for."

Indeed. God forbid the American Public has to endure the devastation of  yet another fleetingly-visible nipple. This must end NOW.

My heart goes out to all the families who were innocently hoping to enjoy a wholesome performance from Young Money artist Nicki Minaj, only to be horrifically betrayed by her exhibitionist, left knocker on that fateful morning. This blog stands as a testament of your courage during these trying times.

8/5/2011... We will never forget. 

Solemnly yours,
Publius